Marriage Encounter

April 16-18, 2010 in Carrington, ND

this morning i’m wanting to go somewhere.somewhere far from snow and cold. trying to  remember past trips with my hubby. reminiscing about all the great times we had. time traveling back to the cool places we’ve visited. this pic was taken in san francisco. {i think of the movie ELF, everytime i say that anymore} i love the blues and how they contrast with the green grass in the back. warms my heart just looking at it.

Tracy and I have been on several of these weekends. This is truly an amazing gift you can give your spouse. Think about it. Pray about it. Do it.

The next two marriage encounter weekends are scheduled. The first one is February 26-28, 2010…in Minot, ND at the International Inn.

The second in April 16-18, in Carrington, ND at the Chieftain Conference Center.

Contact:  Mark & Mary Jantzer at  jantzer@srt.com or call them at (701)852-6291.

You can visit the ND website too for more information on the weekend. http://www.ndwwme.org

Stand by Me
Being married should mean having someone who’s always on your side, not on your case
Alicia Howe

Have you ever been at a party and heard people belittle their spouses? “You know how Howard is. He’s so absent-minded, sometimes I think I should sew his key chain to his shirt.” Or “Did Jenny tell you she’s applying for that job as project manager? Like she has a chance!”

Often we rationalize such cutting remarks by saying, “I was only joking.” But I don’t buy that. An unkind remark always hurts; it always dis-courages—the opposite of what our mates need. Discouragement diminishes their sense of worth, defeats their hopes and erodes their courage.

That’s the word at the heart of encouragement—”courage.” When we encourage our spouses, we stoke up their spirits and build their confidence, giving them courage to face difficult challenges. We’re all confronted by negativism, evil influences, shrinking paychecks and growing bills, more work to get done in less time, and pressures that seem never to let up. As spouses, it’s up to us to make sure the supply of encouragement meets the demand. But it seems that husbands and wives often do just the opposite.

Choosing Sides

When I hear someone make barbed remarks about his or her mate, it makes me think of a Learning Experience (otherwise known as a Major Argument) my husband, Dan, and I had many years ago. At work that afternoon, I had become embroiled in a heated difference of opinion with Ron, a co-worker, about how a project should be done. Without my knowledge, he had gone ahead and started the project. I felt that Ron had not only overstepped his role but plunged into my professional turf.

That evening I was still fuming when Dan walked in the door. He hadn’t even taken off his coat before I launched into a long, outraged narration of the day’s events. In his thoughtful, analytical way, my husband took in my heated tale, reflected on it for a minute, and then said, “I’m not so sure Ron was out of line. It sounds like what he did was pretty logical, and I don’t think he meant to cut you out. It seems like you’re overreacting.”

I stared at him for a nanosecond, and then I lost it completely. I burst into tears and ran out of the room. Dan was still trying to figure out what had happened when I came back.

“Don’t you understand that I need you to be on my side?” I asked him. “Don’t you think there are enough people out there to tell me I’m wrong, or criticize me or make negative remarks? I have to be able to count on one person in this world to always be on my side. Is it so much to expect my husband to be that person?”

Again, he pondered and reflected.

“You’re right,” he said. “And I’ll be that person from now on.”

That was more than 15 years ago, and Dan has kept his promise. When one of us is involved in a conflict with another person—not that it happens a lot—we can count on each other not to take the other person’s side when the sorry tale is told. Inwardly, we may feel our spouse is being petty or intractable or just plain wrong. But that moment, in the aftermath of conflict when our spouse is feeling raw and bruised, is not the time to say so.

In fact, Dan and I have always presented such a united front that our son, at age 10, after an unsuccessful attempt to play his parents against each other, complained, “You and Dad are always on the same side.”

Yes, we are. We may argue tooth and nail when there’s a dispute between the two of us, but we can count on each other when it’s us against the world. We will always encourage, never discourage.

As for my run-in with my co-worker, a few days later I could reflect on the situation objectively, realizing there were two sides to the problem and that I had contributed my share. Even if I hadn’t reached that conclusion myself, there would have come a time when Dan could have gently pointed out that sometimes I am overly sensitive or too ready to misinterpret someone else’s actions.

It isn’t a spouse’s job to routinely point out every minute error, every personality flaw, every tidbit of less-than-satisfactory behavior. We need to communicate freely, and we need to adjust those annoying habits that drive our spouses wacko. We must constantly be willing to learn and change and grow into better human beings. But all this is accomplished best through constructive discussions, through heartfelt praise and supportive suggestions—not through a spousal litany of our shortcomings.

Timely Support

During the first few years of our marriage, my husband was a high school teacher and coach. Eventually, though, he felt burned out and began looking at his options. One night he said, “What would you think about my going to graduate school? It would mean you would have to support us for three years.” I still remember his apprehension as he waited for my answer. Until his last two years of college, he hadn’t been much of a student, and we both knew it.

“I think it would be great,” I said.

“My only fear is that I can’t cut it,” he admitted.

“You can,” I told him.

Believe me, the next three years were hard. We relocated to a new city, I started a new job, and Dan attended class and studied almost around the clock, leaving me to care for our small son. My husband’s anxiety over failing was so intense that more than once he became physically ill when a big project was due. But no matter how exhausted I felt, I knew one thing: Dan did not need to hear any misgivings about his ability to complete what he had begun; his own insecurities were burden enough. He needed constant reassurance that I believed in him absolutely.

Dan graduated in the top ten percent of his class. And every time someone congratulated him, he made sure to give me credit for my role.

In 24 years of marriage, we have found that an encouraging word can help us rise above disappointments and setbacks, maintain optimism in the face of tragedies, and keep from giving up when circumstances seem overwhelming. It’s amazing that such priceless benefits can result from such a small thing as saying, “You are handling this so well” or “Your perseverance has been a real inspiration to me.”

So it may be true that Howard can’t remember where he left the car keys. But is it necessary for his wife to tell the world? If Jenny’s dream is to get that new job, her husband’s disparaging remarks are not only unkind, they are counterproductive.

To keep myself from falling into that trap, I judge any potential “joking remark” by a few criteria:

·         Would I make this remark about someone who wasn’t my spouse? Amazingly, most of us treat others—even total strangers—with more respect, courtesy and sensitivity than we accord our life partners.

·         Regardless of my intention, could this remark hurt or embarrass my husband or wife? One person’s harmless joke can come across as a cruel put-down to another.

·         Will this remark diminish others’ opinion of my mate or make him/her look silly? We owe it to our spouses to help others see their good points.

And whether you’re alone with your mate or in the company of others, here’s the final step toward mastering the art of encouragement: Look for opportunities. Keep asking yourself, “Is there a supportive or encouraging remark I can make about my spouse right now?” It doesn’t need to be anything fancy, just simple, honest affirmation: “Jan just redecorated the baby’s room, and it looks really professional.” Or “I was so tired after work the other night; when Tom volunteered to do the laundry I felt like I’d won the lottery!”

In marriage, there’s no such thing as too much encouragement.

Alicia Howe is the penname of a writer who lives in Florida.

Valentine’s Day is a great opportunity to strive to love better. Great happiness and peace can be found by throwing grudges away and allowing forgiveness to enter our relationships. By shaping our attitudes and actions, we can create memories and joys of a lifetime. Celebrate the power of forgiveness, understanding, and everlasting love! Love life and life will love you back —Dr. Norman Vincent Peale

One day, an expert in time management was speaking to a group of business students. As he stood in front of the group of high powered verachievers he said, “Okay, time for a quiz.” Then he pulled out a one-gallon, wide-mouthed Mason jar and set it on the table in front of him. Then he produced about a dozen fist-sized rocks and carefully placed them, one at a time, into the jar. When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he asked, “Is this jar full?” 

Everyone in the class said, “Yes.” Then he said, “Really?” He reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel. Then he dumped some gravel in and shook the jar causing pieces of gravel to work themselves down into the space between the big rocks. Then he asked the group once more, “Is the jar full?” By this time the class was on to him. “Probably not,” one of them answered. “Good” he replied. He reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in the jar and it went into all of the spaces left between the rocks and the gravel. Once more he asked the question, “Is this jar full?” “No,” the class shouted. Once again he said, “Good.” Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the jar was filled to the brim. Then he looked at the class and asked, “What is the point of this illustration?” One eager beaver raised his hand and said, “The point is, no matter how full your schedule is, if you try really hard you can always fit some more things in it.” 

“No,” the speaker replied, “that’s not the point. The truth this illustration teaches us is: If you don’t put the big rocks in first, you’ll never get them in at all. What are the ‘big rocks’ in your life?  Your faith? Your spouse? Your children; Your loved ones; Your education; Your dreams; A worthy cause; Teaching or mentoring others; Doing things that you love; Time for yourself; Your health; Your significant other. Remember to put these BIG ROCKS in first or you’ll never get them in at all. If you sweat the little stuff (the gravel, the sand) then you’ll fill your life with little things you worry about that don’t really matter, and you’ll never have the real quality time you need to spend on the big, important stuff (the big rocks).  

 ”So, tonight, or in the morning, when you are reflecting on this short story, ask yourself this question:  What are the ‘big rocks’ in my life?   Then, put those in your jar first.

When the candlelight dinners are replaced by soccer games and Cub scout meetings, just where does the flame come from?

When David and I married 11 years ago, he was looking forward to years of candlelight dinners and romantic restaurants. Well, he was half-right. We’ve had a few candlelight dinners but mostly they consisted of hot dogs and macaroni and cheese on paper plates. At home. In our kitchen. And the candles? Leftover stubs from my son’s fourth birthday party.

And so it’s been since our wedding day, when David took on the rule of new husband and of father to my two preschool children from a previous marriage. It wasn’t long before David’s visions of spontaneous romantic moments started fading away.

While other newlyweds were dining at upscale eateries, gazing romantically into each other’s eyes, we were hurrying the children through the last piece of cold pizza so we could collapse for the night. While other newly married couples snuggled in close for the late show at the movie theater, we were picking popcorn out of the hair of the child in front of us at the matinee showing of Bambi

I have to give David a lot of credit, because he took it all in stride. We snuck in a hug, or stared dreamy-eyed at each other sitting in the bleachers at a dusty baseball field whenever we got the chance. It was mysterious—our romantic secret— trying to steal a few moments in those early years.

As the kids grew, life became busier and romance took a backseat to gymnastics, Boy Scouts, basketball games, school events, dental appointments—the usual parenting jobs took precedence over any mommy-daddy time. At times, it seemed the only moments we had together were in the car while taking a child from one event to another.

In the next several years we were blessed with two more babies, making our family of six complete. Our lives were full. We changed diapers, wiped noses, kissed boo-boos, tied shoelace after shoelace, and one by one we sent the little angels off to school. We watched the calendar—surely our time for romance was just around the corner.

It was a day in September, after putting the littlest one on the school bus for his first day of full-time kindergarten that my husband and I realized we were alone in our house for the first time in 10 years. It was an eerie feeling.

We thought about all those years of “lost romance.” But were they really lost?

What is romance, anyway? After all those years of tending to children, had we missed out on nurturing our romantic side? Had we overlooked a key part of parenting—taking care of Mom and Dad? We sat at the kitchen table, sipping coffee, waiting for the other to say something that had nothing to do with children. The quiet of the moment was quickly shattered as our dog came barreling into the kitchen, hacking and spitting, as though he were coughing tip a lung. Neither of us moved as we watched the dog vomit all over the floor, then go back to chewing the bone he’d been working on. Any thoughts of romance were obviously skirted by the mess in front of us.

I went to bed that night feeling as though our marriage was just about kids. Then it dawned on me—our marriage was about kids. When we married, we both knew we wouldn’t be alone for a long time. And we’d spent the last 10 years proving that it was wonderful just like that. Going to ball games, camping with the Cub Scouts, volunteering at the kindergarten class, and eating at McDonald’s was all worth it—because we did it together.

That’s when I realized that’s what romance is—simply spending time together. The more I thought about the past decade David and I spent together, the more clear my thoughts on romance became. We’ve been romancing each other all these years without even knowing it!

Romance is the phone call he made to me last month from the car on his way home to say, “I love you.” Romance is holding our newborn baby for the first time and believing he’s the most beautiful child God ever created. Romance is giving each other a high five when our son hit his first grand slam. Romance is that quick e-mail I sent David in the middle of the day to tell him he’s the greatest husband in the universe. Romance is watching him teach our teenage son how to tie a necktie for his first date. Romance is having someone to hold your hand and wipe away your tears when you get the phone call that your dad’s passed away.

Romance is sharing a life together.

For us, marriage and family go hand in hand. Our time to be alone will come. But until then we’re finding that a quick kiss, or a gentle touch in a busy day does it for Its. We know we’ll forever be grateful for the times we spent rearing our children—together.

And when our kids finally move out of the house, we hope they take the dog with them!

Gwen Morrison, is a freelance author, who lives with her family in Georgia.

“After this he showed a sovereign spiritual loving in my soul. I was filled full of an everlasting sureness that took hold of me in power without any pain or dread. The feeling was so glad and so spiritual that I was in all peace and rest, so that nothing on earth might grieve me. Yet this lasted but a while; then I was changed, left to myself with all the heaviness and weariness of life-I was burdened with myself, so that I barely had patience to live. There was no comfort, no ease: only faith, hope, and charity; and while I had these in reality, yet they were little in feeling. But soon enough our blessed Lord once again gave me that comfort and rest of soul, lovingly and surely, so blissful and so mighty that no dread nor sorrow nor pain that my body could have suffered would have diseased me. And then I was shown once again that pain of feeling; then the loving joy: now the one, and now the other, many time repeating-I suppose some twenty in all.

And in the times of joy, I might have said with St. Paul, “Nothing shall separate me from the love of Christ.” And when in pain, I might have cried out with Peter, “Lord, save me, for I perish.”

…. For God wants us to know that it is he who keeps us surely whether we be in woe or weal. And for the good of our soul we are sometimes left to ourselves… for it is God’s will that we hold ourselves in his comfort with all our might… keeping ourselves in his endless love.”
-Julian of Norwich, Revelation of Love

A letter from the past…our personal Worldwide Marriage Encounter Story.
March 2003
Dakota Catholic Action Article 01/07

“In order to feel the worth of the anchor, we need to feel the stress of the storm.”
God is our “anchor for the soul, firm and secure.” Hebrews 6:19

7 years we had shared between us, and it seemed our marriage was slowly going down hill. 3 small boys, and a baby girl on the way…and we found ourselves drifting apart. Life seemed to have taken its toll on us. Work, school, finances–the fun was gone and so were our smiles. We were lost in the hustle and bustle of this so called “real world”. We talked less, we cuddled less and we laughed less and the things we did get around to doing didn’t involve spending quality time with each other. Late nights at the office, long hours spent with friends—time tearing us apart. Often times, it was the little things that we stopped talking about that really added up to the big misunderstandings. Resentment and anger stored deep inside our hearts as our communication completely shut down. We didn’t “click” anymore.

We saw an announcement in our church bulletin about a Worldwide Marriage Encounter in Richardton, I new we needed to do it. The insert said that it was a weekend to encourage good marriages to find that “spark” again–not to council troubled couples—was our marriage “good” enough to attend—I wasn’t so sure.

After reading the announcement three more times and a nagging tug in my stomach I made the call and registered for the March weekend. We needed to do something about our sinking relationship, and maybe this would help. It was a three month wait for us to get on the next available weekend and it was the longest three months of our lives. Our weekend arrived, we packed our things, kissed our 4 children goodbye, hugged Nanna and Bampa, and then drove to Richardton in complete silence.

We barely looked at each other as we unpacked in our designated room. More silence…and then, we headed out to the hall to wait. My feelings were up and down all night as the presentations began. I remember sitting through the first couple of talks, thinking, we aren’t supposed to be here at this one–this weekend is for only good marriages.

By Saturday morning my uneasiness was replaced with determination. I decided to use this time to listen with my heart, risk and love my husband. I knew I would never have this time again. We gradually worked our way through each presented talk, growing closer than before. On our weekend we learned how to deal with conflict, not avoid it. We did something that we never really knew how to do together—and that was communicate. We learned to listen with our hearts and not our heads. We learned about our personality styles and how completely opposite we were—no wonder it was hard to click. We stopped trying to change each other and we became more forgiving and accepting of our individual personalities. Our smiles came back, and we started to laugh again. We were able to enjoy the time we had. Our love was back! Our weekend was beautiful, it was life changing, and it was part of God’s plan. We renewed our vows that weekend, celebrating our 8th wedding anniversary and we made a promise to love each other forever.

After the Marriage Encounter weekend, getting back into the real world was not easy. Issues were still there, but we were given “tools” and an opportunity to start changing some things and we did. The rebuilding has taken time and we still have to work on things daily, but the love, the trust, the happiness that has been rebuilt is even stronger than before. Our marriage encounter weekend was a turning point for our marriage, it breathed new life into our hearts.
Some after thoughts…..almost 4 years later. We’ll be the first to tell you that marriage is not an easy road. It’s a day to day journey that we must choose to travel together. We still struggle, we have our fights, but each morning we have a choice and we try to choose love.
We hope to share the love we received on our weekend with those we meet by sharing our personal story and encourage you to attend your own Worldwide Marriage Encounter weekend.

In Christ We Are,
Joleyn and Tracy Larson